I’ve always been interested in readings of myself, narcissistic I know. I’m into everything from horoscopes and personality tests to palm readings and tarot cards. This racket tends to gets a bad rap, we dismiss it as fictional fluff. Yet, these things provide a mechanism to inspect our deepest selves – to identify who we really are, what we really like, what we really need. They force a level of soul-searching, introspection, which is wholly valuable.
Moreover, they can speak to us at the times when we need it most. I remember sitting in divey Turkish restaurant with my sisters, lit on wine, smashing baba ganoush and bread as a belly-dancing gypsy read my palm. The whole thing felt dreamlike, surreal, like something out of a David Lynch movie – I was just waiting for a midget in a red tuxedo to appear. I was wildly unhappy at the time, suffocating in an all-consuming relationship. Maybe this was written all over my face, maybe I was unknowingly projecting my inner angst, maybe she’d been listening to our conversation all night long; but the gypsy took my hand, looked into my palm, and told me to leave my parasitic lover who was sucking me dry. That sent the room spinning, but I sat calm and perfectly still; I had a garlic charged epiphany which changed the course of my life.
See, those thoughts and feelings were there bubbling inside, I just needed a push, someone to shine a light on the shit for me to see it. It’s crazy to say, but that palm reading helped me end a very unhealthy relationship.
Man, I must’ve drank a lot of wine that night.
Recently, I did the Myers Briggs personality test to work out if i’m an introvert or extrovert, I know it doesn’t matter. Apparently I’m a Caregiver, an ESFJ (Extraverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging). And just like reading my horoscope in the Sunday paper, I cherry picked the flattering bits and inserted myself into a wildly ambiguous description, which sounded a little like it’d been written by someone on acid.
I’ve often been described as an extravert; a people person, effusive and confident. And while I graciously accept this label, and love being portrayed as a loud little socialite; I want to make clear it’s not an easy feat. Being confident doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m self-conscious and get embarrassed easily. But I force myself into uncomfortable situations, into the spotlight – hoping that one day all those awkward, blush-filled moments will pay off and things will be less scary.
I definitely have an introverted side; I revel in my alone time and will happily sit pensively, and get lost inside my head. They say extraverts get their energy from people, crowds, conversations - whereas introverts restore energy when they’re isolated and alone. For me, I find solace in both scenarios. I fluctuate between what I’m feeling and what I need.
Reflecting on my own personality traits, I can see there’s a wide spectrum of behaviours and characteristics which make us, us. We’re all painted differently. It’s important to be in tune with you, and be to be mindful of others – their needs, nuances, and nature.
Looking inside will help you with what’s happening outside.
Finally find people who appreciate you – the intricacies. I want to finish with a treasured description of me written by a dear friend;
You are a bright spark, full of light and passion. You are fast. You are always right for the situation. You know people, how they work. You can see things just by looking where most people have to study. You don't need lots. You don't need other people to tell you what you like, to tell you what’s good. You're like a soft drink or a tin roof in the sun, little things make you a person not broad, blunt and easily definable things.
It’s so refreshing to have something non-generic penned, we should all take the time to do it for each other more often.