So, I’ve been battling that green eyed monster as of late. It’s got its insidious paws all over my relationship and it’s really starting to bother me. While I have one of the most genuine and trustworthy guys around, I’m struggling, feeling anxious and insecure for no apparent reason.
Why am I feeling jealous of something or someone that doesn’t exist?
I’ve been wracking my brain, and after some forced introspection and intermittent sculling of wine; I’ve traced it back to my first serious relationship. He and I moved from Bathurst to the big smoke together and were the cliché infatuated love fools. He started film school and got a cool new group of friends, and I settled into university life. I gave him a wide berth to explore this new and exciting world, championing him from the sidelines. In hindsight I can see my energy and focus was skewed, always in his favour. He set up his new life and I fit myself in.
I remember him mentioning a girl he’d met at school – but blind in love, entirely trusting and wholly naïve I took no notice. I don’t remember the details just the moment when the rug was pulled from underneath me. Sitting in a café with ugly chairs, he told me it was over and he had feelings for this girl. I remember walking out of the café doing that weird gulpy cry – deep in shock. I was trying to process what had happened but it didn’t compute. I’d been totally blindsided. My trust had been destroyed. I hadn’t just lost a lover, I’d lost my support. The one person I felt I could rely on when navigating this new and scary city terrain.
This traumatic experience left me forever fearing the other girl. You know, the one that’s prettier, cooler, smarter…. insert any positive adjective….Better than me in every possible way. I’m fearful every time Ollie starts a new job, meets a new group of friends, or heads to a bar without me that she’ll be there to graciously knock him off his feet. Charming, beautiful, intelligent; I can’t compete.
It’s conflicting because I’m not an inherently jealous person, especially of women. I have a slew of wonderful ladies in my life; my friends, sisters, colleagues are all enviable beyond belief. But I don’t envy them. I feel proud of them, proud to know them, proud to be a part of their lives. I’m in awe of their beauty and at times I may idolise them, or wish I was little more like them, but there’s no resentment or malice felt.
And when I think about the woman I was left for all those years ago, I have no animosity toward her. Sure, I spent a lot of time measuring myself against her, wondering specifically what parts of her he liked. But my focus shifted and turned inward, it became less about her and more about me. What was I lacking, what did I do wrong, why wasn’t I enough?
Exhausting right?
These things wreak all sorts of havoc on your self-esteem and confidence. But the most damage is done to your trust. Even though I have the most wonderful boyfie in the world now, I’m frightened of being abandoned. I have to learn to trust I’m enough for him, trust he loves me just as I am and won’t leave my side.
And it’s bloody difficult.
I don’t expect this trust to form overnight, and these feelings of fear and jealousy to immediately subside. But being open and honest about where I’m at is a big step. It also helps I have the most patient boyfriend in the world who says he loves me and my tuchas every day.
