Since we got together Ollie and I have rarely spent a night apart - there was a trip that Ol took to Bali which separated us for a couple of days but that’s about the extent of it. We had a spurt of long distance at the start of our relationship; I went on a 5-week European holiday with my bestie and when I returned Ollie had left for the States for a 3-week trip. So we had an 8-week block apart, which absolutely sucked. We hated it and swore we’d never be apart for that long again. I think the feelings were magnified because this separation had come at the very start of our relationship, at the time where everything is hot and heavy and you can’t keep your hands of
one another. We survived with a lot of Whatsapp chat and pictures back and forth.
This week Ollie took an overnight work trip to Brisbane, and I found myself a little lost. I realised how heavily I rely on him to help me make decisions; what to cook for dinner, what to watch on Netflix, whether to open a bottle of red or stick with water. For someone who is inherently indecisive having someone make my decisions is wildly soothing. I also missed having my mate to vent to, my number one fan to cheer on my stories. Plus, Max was doing a million cute things and I had no one to show, that was particularly devastating.
There were some perks; I enjoyed being able to watch TV without incessant Dota mouse clicking behind me and not having to share my Epic pizza slice was pretty nice. Also, the thought of sleeping alone for a night, snore free was very appealing. I excitedly jumped into bed, in a room that for once didn’t feel like Antarctica (Ollie is obsessed with air-conditioning at the moment). There was no soundtrack of rain sounds pouring out of Ollie’s speakers, I had complete silence. I put my earplugs in, just for comfort, and dozed off.
My bliss was short lived. Max, obviously felt sorry for his Mum sleeping alone and decided to sleep next to me kneading my back the entire night with his sharp little claws. Then I had my customary 3am anxiety attack; an onslaught of thoughts flooded in, I tossed and turned, got a water, went to the loo, still no respite. Usually when I’m in this state I wriggle around so much Ollie gets irritated; he grabs me, pulls me into his body and hugs me tight. I instantly feel calm. It makes sense, deep touch pressure is used as a calming agent for individuals with autism, ADHD or people with high levels of stress or anxiety. It stops your senses from being overloaded, overstimulated, and helps you to focus. It does all weird shit with your nervous systems, you release all the good hormones and basically just become super chill. Honestly, if you have trouble sleeping or get anxious, stressed or restless you should get amongst that deep touch pressure. I’ve got Ollie’s arms tight around me, squeezing me, and I have one less thing to worry about. I’m not tossing turning trying to get comfortable, I’m just still. I guess that makes up for his snoring.
With Ollie’s new job I think he’ll be travelling a lot, so I’m going to have to get used to the occasional night alone. I know it’s healthy to have some solo time, to have your own space. Plus, it’s super nice to get that buzz of excitement and anticipation to see each other, reconnect. Because things feel so comfortable and easy I’ve become reliant, got used to Ollie always being there, but it’s important to have independence, to relish in your own company. I mean if all goes tits up and I’m single again I don’t want to be that crazy bitch toying with a mouse trying to recreate the sounds of Dota play.