I’m not sure I want to have children. I know this is an issue many girls my age are grappling with, and it’s not an easy one. My feelings fluctuate on the daily; swing rapidly from high to low, to the beat of a ticking biological clock.
I have been blessed with four beautiful nephews, which has definitely relieved some pressure. I feel a love for them that’s unparalleled, I’m fiercely protective and deeply proud. I’ve shared profound moments with them, felt their tiny hands and feet, smelt their fresh baby scent and rocked them to sleep. I’ve watched them grow and develop their own personalities; received Facetime calls, silly pictures and handmade birthday cards that warm the soul. The best thing is I haven’t had to deal with any toilet training, terrible twos, or turd covered nappies. I get to be outrageous Aunty Ray, run riot, laugh with them till my sides hurt, then give them back. I know with them there I’ll never feel like I missed out.
I guess I still kind of feel like a kid myself. I’m still on my parents health insurance, I have unconsolidated superfunds, I skip meals, drink too heavily, and traipse home at irregular hours. I’m selfish, petulant at times; I like my space, I like my sleep and I like my spontaneity. I’m still renting an apartment; full of sharp edges, toxic chemicals and knives far too easy to access. I also have a high maintenance cat, who thinks he is the baby of the house. And, I am consumed by wanderlust, I want to travel more and make memories just me and Ol.
I also, at times, feel really depressed about the state of the world. I don’t want to bring a baby into a place we’ve royally fucked. My kids will grow up with oceans that have more plastic bottles than fish and a big ass whole in the Ozone that will probably give them cancer. I don’t want them to be part of a society that thinks it’s OK to imprison innocent people fleeing from war torn countries, or pay women substantially less than men. I don’t want them to be racked with debt after receiving their tertiary education, or to be messed up mentally from looking at fucking Fitspo and feeling like they need to match unrealistic expectations. Ollie hates it when I all get cynical like this. He tries to remind me of all the positive things society has achieved and the progress we’ve made. He stresses our children, or the children of the future, could grow up and fix these issues, provide the solutions to our problems. I appreciate his argument, and agree. Once again, I’m in a state of flux, caught in between two sides.
In the last couple of years I’ve had issues with my period, the red river kind of ran dry. I’ve been to doctors who assure me there are options (hormones, injections etc.), should fertility present a challenge. So, perhaps subconsciously my renunciation of motherhood is just basic self-protection. I can’t be upset about not having kids if I never wanted them.
I guess only time will tell, lucky for me I have a cute kitty sittin’ pretty.