I’ve always wanted to be a creative. To have unwavering commitment toward an art form, burning so deeply I couldn’t possibly think of doing anything else. To have unbridled natural talent, the ability to deeply affect an audience, provoke thought or spark societal change. It’s taken me a while to realise that I have not been blessed with an inherent creative skill, and that’s OK.
I love singing but I’m terrible at it, my notes fall flat, I can’t hit the right keys and usually most car trips Ollie will ask me to stop. I love art but can’t draw or paint, I’ve done some pretty cool collages but let’s face it – that’s really just glorified cut and paste. I tried guitar but never had the urge to stick with it, and felt like I’d achieved all I needed once I could muster some basic Sonic Youth-esque harmonics. I guess I write, but it’s no ground breaking Brave New World shit.
I assume this is a popular sentiment, Woody Allen touched on it in his film Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Scar-jo’s character proclaims:
"I just have to come face to face with the fact that I am not gifted, you know? I can appreciate art and I love music, but...it's sad, really, because I feel like I have a lot to express and I am not gifted."
Yeah, she’s my spirit animal.
I think about lyrics, seminal lines from books or chords in songs that have deeply affected me, I have so much admiration for the creators and their ability to succinctly say what I’m trying to express, or accurately replicate exactly what I’m feeling. Bukowski once said;
“An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way.”
I wish I could do that, to cut through the bullshit and really resonate. That’s the problem with this Youtube, X-Factor, shitshow generation, people want talent for fame not for expression.
Anyway just because I can’t produce art; doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it or have a good eye or ear for it, I am skilled in a different way. At work I’m surrounded by some seriously gifted people. My boss produced two of my all-time favourite movies; Moulin Rouge and Romeo + Juliet, and he’s shown me that you don’t need to be splattering paint on a canvas like Jackson fucking Pollock to be creative. There is great art and beauty in being able to practically untangle and translate another’s artistic vision. Now I’ve happily assumed this role, I’m good at facilitating others; offering inventive solutions while keeping momentum. Steadily propelling things forward. He’s also shown me you don’t need to be a wanker about your craft by big noting yourself and your achievements. Humility is key.
In a way I’m kind of glad I’m not your typical tortured soul, bleeding heart creative. I’ve dated a few and have come to see that their blind dedication can be somewhat detrimental. It’s like their living life with blinkers on, oblivious to the other aspects of the world. Their project is above all else, the number one priority and other things just start to fall apart. Personal hygiene, money, food, sex, romance, friends; all take a back seat. It’s absolutely all-consuming and I can’t imagine that’s an easy life.
So, I’m cool with being a confined creative. Pragmatic can be fantastic.