I’m going to start this post with a quote from my favourite author of all time, Bukowksi:
“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”
I am guilty of all of the above; sometimes I worry I’m a borderline alcoholic. I know I’m not, I mean I can go stretches without drinking and could stop if I really wanted, I just don’t want to.
The thing is I, like the majority of millennials, am riddled with anxiety. I’m trying to navigate my way through the irrefutable mess left by the baby boomers; struggling to start a life. Like that section of Fear and Loathing where Hunter S Thompson describes the sixties; I feel like my parents were living in a golden era, at the peak of a lifestyle that will never come again. They rode the crest of that high and beautiful wave; they could buy houses, get free education and let their babies run naked without fear. We can see the high-water mark, the place where that monumental wave finally broke and rolled back, and it’s taunting us.
I feel like I’m working toward a set of societal expectations that are getting harder to achieve. I want a house, a baby, a career but these things are becoming less tangible every day. How do I even begin to save for a house when I’m paying over $300 rent every week? Moreover, I’m depressed by the state of the environment, I don’t want to bring a baby into a world struggling to sustain itself. Or a world where Donald Trump is president. I know I’m being tragically pessimistic, I’m just trying to give context (and justify my fervour for boozing). I drink to dampen the severity of these painful feelings, to self-medicate and escape.
At times, I drink wine purely to wallow, to just sit and feel things that I’ve been repressing. Sometimes it elucidates things that have been floating around in my subconscious, and I see things more clearly. Another gem from Bukowski:
“Drinking yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn”.
Some days, after drinking I feel like I’ve been through a catharsis of sorts and I’m ready to make a change to myself or address any niggles that have been bothering me.
OK, enough of the heavy shit. I also drink to celebrate and to socialise, I like who I am when I’m sloshed (most of the time). I’m effervescent, chatty and generous to a fault. I love to dance, listen to stories and do gymnastics tricks that I never manage to pull off.
There are nights I turn into an antagonistic dragon who just wants to fight. Ollie deals with drunk dragon Rayray the most, the poor ol’ codger, as I know he loves me no matter what and sometimes his continually calm demeanour just irritates me (HA, sorry babe). He likes to defuse situations and resolve issues whereas I just want to be dramatic and have a yell. Luckily these nights are pretty rare.
I know there are things that maybe make me seem like I have a drinking problem; the fact that I drink gin straight (and like it), have more nights with vino than without and have membership cards to both Vintage Cellars and Dan Murphys. But seriously, it’s my one vice, the one naughty thing I like to do. I’ve referenced two authors in this blog widely known for their alcoholism, and trust me when I say I’m not that bad.
