My first gaming experience involved a little boy in a yellow helmet and an army of poisonous slugs: Commander Keen. I fell in love with the psychedelic colour scheme, the abstract storyline, the straightforward structure, the easy controls, and the fact I could regenerate Keen’s health by eating a chocolate bar or necking a coke.
In the early 90’s I got addicted to Race the Nags, a seriously simple horse betting game. I remember waking up early just so I could play before my sisters woke up, like some desperate gambling junkie.
As I got a little older, I became a fan of low stress, creative sandpit style games. Games where I could spend time designing places or people. Theme Hospital was my jam; I loved making my hospital look really pretty with excessive plants, heaps of benches and well thought out GP offices. I was strangely satisfied every time I made my handyman clean up vomit, or managed to kill a rat on the run. The game was fun and it made me laugh; I still want to meet someone who smells faintly of cabbage. Plus, it had a killer soundtrack.
I also became fascinated with the life simulation game, The Sims. I would spend hours carefully crafting my friends and family, then make them flirt or fight in that gobbledygook Sims language. I love the freedom and creation this game inspired. I designed my dream home countless times, the designs got more outlandish once I discovered the rosebud cheat. This game gave you god-like power, you could control everything. I used to put the Sims I hated in the pool then take out the ladder so they would die, or make them talk to people so long they pissed themselves. I know, I have a sadistic streak.
My sister Bin and I got really into Nintendo. We played everything; Mario Cart, Perfect Dark, Golden Eye, even a soccer game. We both took it pretty seriously, I remember once we broke into a wrestle post game because we hated loosing so much.
I have a deep affinity for these old-school games and I really struggle with modern gaming. Maybe I’m a little bit spesh, but I can’t seem to get the hang of working two joysticks at once. I spent hours on Dark Souls, creating my tough as guts assassin Queen Raynor, then couldn’t work out how to run and look around at the same time. At least I looked hot while I was getting killed, with my bright red lips and luscious locks. I don’t know whether I’m inverted, non-inverted, or straight up idiotic. I just want things to go back to being simple; one joy stick, and a couple of attack buttons, better still arrow keys and space bar to jump.
Ollie introduced me to Dota 2, and although it’s not a game I would traditionally like, I’ve come to enjoy it. You can customise your hero’s outfits/items to make them somewhat individual. There are loads of fit and fierce female heroines to choose from, though I prefer playing a giant ass kicking amphibian. The game’s premise is familiar, classic good vs. evil. It’s also a very social game; there is shit talking, team bonding, basically all the good stuff. Still, I don’t play this game, or any game very often. After being on the computer all day at work, it is literally the last thing I feel like doing.
I try not to be too judgemental about the games people play, like all good things gaming is governed by personal taste. I don’t understand Angry Birds and find Call of Duty unsettling, but I know they’re really fucking popular.
OK guys, brb, I’ve got to see a man about a horse (game).