I’m always sick.
I feel like I must be the dodgy runt of the pack, but I’m definitely not the skinniest in our litter. Any cold or flu going around, guaranteed I’ll get it. I’ve had all kinds of elaborate illnesses the most recent being a viral infection that sounds like it belongs in the dark ages, mumps.
I get a UTI every other week, most of which turn into kidney infections. I’ve had antibiotics so much they’ve stopped working, I get cold sores, I have asthma and my sinuses are blocked more often than not.
As a child I had extremely bad hay fever and allergies. My eyes were so puffy and for most of my formative years I looked like a white Asian. Then, during high school I got glandular fever, I think off my eldest sister (thanks Ang). That really did a number on me, and still every time I get sick my glands swell and give me jowls like Marlon Brando’s Don Corleone.
My allergies are still bad but thanks to modern medicine they’re manageable. Most days I ingest so many pills; probiotics, contraception, antihistamines, I feel like if someone shook me I’d rattle. My handbag is brimming with prescription drugs, Ural sachets, headache pills, like my own little portable pharmacy. Friends at work visit me to get everything from a Panadol, to a rash cream or anti-anxieties. Yeah, I’m kind of like a glorified drug mule.
People have accused me of being a hypochondriac, or insinuated I rely too heavily on Western pharmaceuticals. But I’ve tried herbal shit and it gets me nowhere. Us sickies don’t have patience, we lost it all while we were waiting 2 hours at the doctors surgery. I want a quick easy remedy, not 5 sessions of acupuncture and a stinky tonic.
I blame my love of drugs on the fact I worked in a pharmacy from age fourteen till university. I got to sample products which was dead fun, but more importantly I got to see first-hand how modern medicine positively affected lives. I helped relieve people in chronic pain, administered methadone to assist recovering addicts, and gave those men with impotence the magic blue pill to get them back in the game.
Being sick sucks, it’s really fucking expensive, boring, time consuming and depressing. But now it’s started bothering me for an entirely different reason. I read an article the other day about how men like women with a bit of meat of them, it goes back to some Neanderthal instinct which helps them to select a healthy woman to bear their children. I don’t know if this is fact or fiction, but it got me thinking what if sickness makes me a less attractive mate. Worse still, what if my kids inherent all my bad bits.
I guess I have to think of the positives, I’ve built relationships with doctors all over the city, I’m a regular at Chemist Warehouse which means I don’t get asked any annoying questions or have to show my licence for Codral. The weird shit that happens to my body is now a source of amusement, like when I look like a chipmunk or have bags under my eyes that definitely ain’t designer.
I should be thankful, none of my sicknesses have been life-threatening actually they all sound pretty trivial compared to the big stuff.